


The Fool and the Knight

by WingsOfWax



Series: One or the Other [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Bisexual Characters, Drake is his own warning, Drug Use, I have issues with cheating so if it ain’t poly I can’t write it (and this ain’t poly), M/M, Self-Worth Issues, Slow Burn, alcohol use, gratuitous use of the word fuck, lots of uncomfortable introspection, many gratuitous time skips, mention of murder and rape, something that could be construed as a suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 01:02:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8946946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingsOfWax/pseuds/WingsOfWax
Summary: An AU in which Aaron isn't nearly as homophobic as he always acted - it was all just a front. He's actually bi and bangin-awesome. :)"Sometimes, everything became too much. Too much to take in, too much to handle. Most days, he was okay. Most days, he could call Katelyn and everything would be okay. Most days, he could still function. But there were other days where he couldn't. Some days where he couldn't be bothered to crawl out of bed. Days where he couldn't pick up his phone, couldn't bother Katelyn with everything that was going on in his fucked up head and fucked up life..."





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [A_Nobelmonster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Nobelmonster/gifts).



> Written for the TFC Rare-Pair Holiday Event! Thanks @poze-laceen for absolutely everything! You're amazing!
> 
> This is technically only part one. 
> 
> Please mind the tags. :)
> 
> I totally fucked up my timeline, btw. So if you spot any egregious errors, please let me know and I can go fix them. This should take place after the girls graduate, so two years later.

Sometimes, everything became too much. Too much to take in, too much to handle. Most days, he was okay. Most days, he could call Katelyn and everything would be okay. Most days, he could still function.

But there were other days where he couldn't. Some days where he couldn't be bothered to crawl out of bed. Days where he couldn't pick up his phone, couldn't bother Katelyn with everything that was going on in his fucked up head and fucked up life.

The mess with Drake only made things worse. He'd pulled away from Katelyn weeks ago, just before the start of the trial. It was close to wrapping up, but with the start of the new semester, new bratty freshman, the beginning of practice, and everything else, he couldn't handle it.

Nicky wasn't oblivious, but a few choice threats made him back off. It had been a day and a half since he'd left his bed. He couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. He only got up to take a piss, and even that felt like too much effort. He’d missed two days worth of practice, of classes. He couldn't find it in himself to care.

He wanted something to take the edge off, to either dull down the emptiness or fill him up with something else, something more. Andrew had taken away his crutch, the cracker dust, just because of stupid fucking Neil. Alcohol just wasn't enough. He downed most of a fifth of tequila before he realized that. He was still empty and aching.

College campuses were good for finding things he knew he shouldn't seek out. Everyone knew someone else who had the hook up. He'd heard it all his freshman year. He knew who to go to, knew who had his poison of choice, knew who wouldn't snitch.

No one looked at him twice for wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. Most probably thought he was Andrew, with the scowl cemented on his face. But no, Andrew didn't have expressions anymore. The medication he'd been on had forced him to smile; without it, he seemed to try to make a point of having no expression whatsoever. Aaron didn't care. He didn't.

Fact was, Andrew chose Neil over his own brother. His twin. Did it really matter that they'd only known each other for a handful of years? They were brothers. He'd wanted Katelyn though, and Andrew… Andrew cared more for Neil. Nicky thought he was salty about it. He wasn't. But he'd killed a man for his brother. He'd never even gotten so much as a thank you. And then Easthaven and Neil… He saved his brother and lost him all at once.

Finding Seth’s old dealer wasn't hard. He recognized Aaron. He had the hook up, oh yeah, just depended on how much he wanted and what he was willing to spend. Aaron kept his expression as cold as he could, but purchased enough - more than enough - to take everything away for a while. He snorted two oxys in the bathroom before he left.

And _fuck_ did it feel good. He'd missed the high, missed he numbness that tingled in his fingers, missed the total lack of pain. He'd been aching for so long…

Of course, even with his threats to Nicky to stay the hell away from him, there would always be problems. That was the trouble with sharing a dorm room. Matt caught up to him in the hall, took one look at him, and he knew.

Matt knew. Aaron tried to shove past him and slam the door to the bedroom in his face, but Matt had a good thirty pounds and more than a foot of height on him. It didn't matter that he fought like hell. Matt was stronger. Matt was sober. Aaron was flying higher than he'd been in a damned long time, and struggling was like letting it slip through his fingers.

“The fuck are you doing?” Aaron shouted, tossing a wild elbow out that connected with Matt’s chest. Matt didn't stop. He dug into Aaron’s pockets until he found the little baggie, three white oxys left. He snatched it away from Aaron before Aaron could even attempt to reach for it.

“I can't let you keep this.”

The worst part was how fucking sad Matt sounded as he said it. Aaron remembered too well that night at Eden’s Twilight. He remembered Matt’s expression when he'd seen the speedballs. He remembered having to help carry his heavy ass to the car. He remembered what Matt looked like as he fought so desperately through withdrawals. He remembered what his own withdrawals felt like, longer ago.

“Aaron -”

“Shut the fuck up, Boyd,” Aaron snapped. He shoved himself away from Matt and crossed his arms over his chest, all too aware that his expression at that moment rivaled that of his twin’s at the moment right before he did something violent. Matt didn't move.

“Talk to me. Or Betsy. I have her number. I can call her.”

“No.” His voice sounded flat to his own ears. “Fuck you. Give that shit back.”

“I can't.” And damn Matt and his puppy dog eyes. “I'm sorry, you know I can't do that.” Matt shook his head and looked at the baggy again. “How many have you already taken?”

“The fuck do you care?” Aaron wasn't having this. He wasn't going to let Boyd pity him, like he was some broken thing. Like he was Neil.

He could get more. It didn't matter. He'd do them somewhere else and crash in the library. No one would bother him if he was in one of the study rooms. Fuck Boyd. His high was already fading.

“Aaron…”

“No!” Aaron shouted. “You don't get to fucking pity me! Leave me the fuck alone!” He made to shove past Matt, but two arms wrapped around him and all but lifted him straight off the floor.

“Idiot! It's not pity!” He couldn't see Matt’s face. He didn't want to. Not with the way his voice grew soft and almost cracked. “I know, okay? I know what it's like. But you can't do this shit. Coach will kick you off the team. You'll lose your scholarship. I can't let that happen, all right?”

Aaron struggled again, but he wasn't going anywhere. Matt just held him. It was awkward. It was uncomfortable.

“Fuck, Aaron, I know. A couple of pills can take all the pain away and you’ll feel so much better, but then it fades and you're craving more. You can't ever get that same high. No matter how much you take.”

Aaron hated him. Hated him more than he could express. It wasn't fair! He just wanted some peace, some relief. He just wanted to stop feeling for a while, to take a break from everything.

“I'm not gonna let you fall down that hole,” Matt muttered, his voice soft and too close for comfort. Aaron tried to lean away, but he was stuck.

It didn't last much longer. Matt let him go and took a step back. He eyed Aaron as he went for the bathroom. Aaron was perfectly still, just watching. Matt emptied the few pills into the toilet and flushed them. Aaron still didn't budge. He didn't have the energy for it. Not anymore.

“I have to tell Betsy, but I won't say anything to anyone else.” Matt left the dorm, but Aaron doubted he went any further than just outside of the front door. He moved back to his bed and crawled under the blankets. He wanted to sleep, but it was a long time in coming.

When he still didn't show for class or practice the next day, Betsy called. He told her all of it. She wasn't much help. He knew he was depressed. Fuck, that wasn't rocket science. He was stuck. She couldn't tell him how to get unstuck. He called her useless and hung up on her. She didn't try to call back.

Matt though. Matt was a different story. That afternoon, he showed up with booze and a new video game. When Aaron refused to speak to him, to acknowledge him at all, Matt came to him. He picked Aaron up, moved him to the couch, poured him a drink, and handed him a controller.

They killed things for a couple of hours, drinking and not talking. The fifth of tequila was almost gone. The orange juice was definitely gone. Aaron still didn't speak, but Matt rambled on about the last two nights of practice, about how the defensive line wasn't the same without Aaron there, about how Jack was a little shit and Sheena wasn't much better. He talked about his classes. He talked about Dan and Allison and Renee and what they were up to. Aaron didn't care, but he didn't stop Matt from speaking either.

He killed himself off in the middle of a campaign and forced Matt to finish on his own. He curled up against the arm of the couch and, despite the crick in his neck and the uncomfortable position, he fell asleep.

But when he woke up the next morning, he was in his own bed. Matt didn't leave him alone until he was up, showered, and dressed. Matt shoved him out of the room and walked halfway to his first class with him. Aaron didn't question him, didn't fight him, didn't care. He didn't care about anything. He was just going through the motions.

Lunch with Katelyn that day was unpleasant. He didn't speak to her and she finally gave up. With a soft smile, she told him to call her when he was feeling better or if he needed anything at all. He wanted to tell her that she wouldn't get him what he needed, that she'd be so disappointed in him for what he'd done. He was losing her too, but it was his own fault. She left and he went to his next class.

He was useless at practice. Wymack benched him before it was half over, telling him to get his shit together so he could do what he was supposed to and play. He didn't care. Everything was empty and actions were useless.

That night, Matt bullied him onto the couch again and shoved a drink in his hand. Aaron stared blankly at the dark television, expecting a controller to appear in his hand and the game from the night before to come on. He didn't expect Matt to sit next to him and just look at him.

“What?” Even to his own ears he sounded too much like Andrew. It pissed him off, but not enough.

“Talk to me,” Matt said. “Just...vent. Get it out. It'll help better than pills.”

Aaron sneered at him. “Fuck you. Dan tell you to do this?”

Matt shrugged. “Sort of. She used to do this with me. Her and Allison. It worked.”

“I don't have anything to say to you. We aren't friends.”

Aaron could have sworn Matt looked a little hurt, his stupid puppy-dog eyes drooping along with the corners of his mouth. He didn't care. They weren't friends. They were teammates, but they weren't friends. He didn't need friends.

“We don’t have to be friends for you to talk to me,” Matt said.

Maybe it was how earnest he sounded. Maybe it was those damn puppy-dog eyes and how hopeful they looked. Maybe Aaron really just wanted Matt to leave him alone. He wasn’t sure what exactly it was that made him snap.

“I killed a man. I murdered the guy who was raping my fucking brother! I have been to court god-knows how many times in the last few months, listening to them trying to persecute me for defending my brother. I had to listen as my brother told everyone in that fucking courtroom what happened to him - how he was raped over and fucking over by that sick piece of shit bastard. I’m not even sorry for what I did. I am so glad that son of a bitch is dead and that I killed him.”

Matt’s face fell, crinkled up in disgust and confusion, and fell into sadness again.

“My brother - my fucking _twin_ \- doesn’t deign to speak to me any longer because I chose Katelyn over him. Well, he chose fucking Neil over me. That fucking pathological, runaway liar. He never even said thank you. He won’t fucking look at me anymore, as if I’m not worth his precious fucking time anymore.”

Matt opened his mouth as if to say something, but no sound came out. Aaron went on.

“I keep fucking things up with Katelyn because I can’t stand to be near her right now. I hate to think about how all of this shit reflects on her. How the other cheerleaders talk about her behind her back because she’s dating a fucking murderer. I can’t tell her I lost it and took the fucking pills. I can’t put that on her shoulders along with every-fucking-thing else that’s going on right now.”

“Aaron-”

“No! Shut up!” Aaron stood and drained the tumbler of whatever Matt had given him. “I don’t want your fucking pity. Leave me the fuck alone.” He stormed off to the bedroom and climbed into the top bunk.

Nicky came in a little later, claimed he was staying with Andrew, Neil, and Kevin for the night, and left again. Aaron was glad Nicky wasn’t bothering him. He didn’t need Nicky and Matt both pestering him. Matt was bad enough on his own, and Nicky would be worse. Matt, though, Matt didn’t respond to his threats like Nicky did. Nicky could stay silently worried about him, could keep away for a few days and give him his space. Matt didn’t seem to understand that concept.

Aaron was contemplating the knives in the kitchen. Andrew carried knives all the time - used them sometimes - and people kept their distance. Perhaps if he managed to cut Matt open a few good times, the idiot would get the point. He doubted it, but maybe it was worth a shot? He really, really wanted to go grab one when Matt came back into their room later and stood by the top bunk.

“I’m sorry,” Matt said. “I’m not sorry for you, I’m just sorry that all of this shit has happened. Look… I’m here, okay? If you just need to get some of your frustration out, that’s cool. I can handle it. I just want you to know that you don’t have to deal with all of this on your own. You don’t want to involve Katelyn and I get that - I do - but trying to do this all on your own isn’t going to help you any.”

“Shut up and leave me alone,” Aaron grumbled. He had his back to Matt, so he couldn’t see him, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to be left alone. He wanted the fucking pills.

“I won’t do that,” Matt said softly. Aaron flinched when he felt Matt’s hand on his shoulder, but Matt didn’t pull it away. It wasn’t worth the effort to try to shove him off. “Just… I’m here, okay?” And then he was gone and Aaron was finally alone.

Being alone wasn’t nearly as satisfying as Aaron had hoped it would be. He couldn’t sleep. He crawled back out of the bed and wound up on the opposite end of the couch from Matt again. Matt slid a drink across the table but said nothing, just kept playing the stupid game he’d bought. Aaron watched him kill things for a while as he sipped at his drink.

He wasn’t sorry for yelling earlier. He wasn’t. He wasn’t going to apologize. He didn’t know what to say, but it felt like Matt was expecting something. Aaron called out a warning regarding a thing about to kill him. Matt grinned and thanked him. He won the round and offered the spare controller to Aaron.

They played video games until Matt decided he needed to sleep. Aaron wasn’t tired. He went to his bed, though, and lay there staring at the ceiling. He felt like an asshole. Funny how being mean to Matt made him feel worse than killing Drake.

The next day was more of the same. Just going through the motions of practice, class, eating, and more practice. Coach let him play - even though his performance was terrible - and he went back to the dorm with Matt and Nicky. Nicky chattered at him and Aaron didn’t tell him to shut up and go away for the first time in days. It was easier to just pretend that he was back to normal again, to just let everyone believe he was doing better.

Matt knew better. It was in the looks Matt tossed him, in the way Matt was fixing him drink after drink, even when he was plenty drunk, in the way Matt didn’t let him leave the dorm alone after the night’s practice was over. He felt like a child, but he couldn’t be bothered to tell Matt to stop. It was easier to just let him do it.

The next day though, between classes, he ran into Todd, Seth’s old dealer. Todd asked him if he wanted more. Before he even realized what he was doing, he was handing Todd the money and saying yes. After the next class, just before lunch, Todd found him and gave him the pills. Five more.

Aaron skipped lunch. Skipped the rest of his classes. Skipped practice.

He was so, so high. He didn’t think he’d ever been this high. Whatever these were, they were better than the oxys from the night before. They took everything away - reality itself was gone. He laughed a little to himself as he lay there on the cool tiles in the bathroom. This was wonderful. Better than wonderful. Perfect. Amazing.

The banging on the door didn’t register. He didn’t realize anyone was calling his name. He didn’t care enough to notice. He was blitzed out of his mind and it felt fantastic.

And then arms were around him, forcing him up. Fingers were shoved down his throat and he was puking. He couldn’t get his arms or legs to move right. Why couldn’t anyone just let him enjoy this? He needed it, damnit! Why didn’t they understand?

“Aaron?”

Fucking Matt.

“Aaron, can you hear me? Are you all right?”

“F-fuck you.” Aaron spat into the toilet, reality slowly shifting back into place around him. His head was beginning to pound and his stomach was cramping from puking so hard. He dry-heaved again and again. It barely registered that Matt still had his arms around him, was rubbing circles into his back.

When he was finally finished, he shoved Matt away. He wound up backed into the side of the tub. He brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, pressing his forehead into his kneecaps.

And he cried.

For the first time in what felt like years, he cried.

He felt Matt touch his arm. He didn’t bother shoving him away. It was too much effort and he just didn’t care anymore. He was still a little bit high. It was almost too much effort to keep holding onto himself.

And then he felt Matt moving him, felt arms wrapping around him and warmth against his back. He didn’t move. He just kept crying.

It felt like hours before he was done. Matt never moved. His arms were wrapped around Aaron, his chest pressed to Aaron’s back, his legs on either side of him. They just sat like that, neither of them speaking. Aaron didn’t have anything to say, and he was willing to bet that Matt didn’t know what to say.

They both heard Nicky open the door. Matt withdrew his arms, but Aaron didn’t move. He half-watched as Matt stood and walked out of the bathroom.

“Hey, where’s Aaron?” Nicky asked.

“Bathroom,” Matt said, and Aaron wondered why he sounded so tired - so sad. Aaron wasn’t worth wasting that sort of emotion on. “He’s...sick.”

“Oh my god, is he okay?” Nicky already sounded ready to panic.

“He’ll be all right. Maybe...maybe you should stay with Andrew and Neil and Kevin tonight, though?” Aaron looked up. His eyes moved, but not his head. Moving any part of his body felt like entirely too much effort and he just didn’t give a damn. “I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“No! No way!” Nicky was already coming towards the bathroom. “He’s my cousin! I’ll take care of him!”

Just before Nicky reached the bathroom door, he watched as Matt grabbed Nicky’s arm - the only thing he could see. “No.” Matt’s tone was surprisingly sharp. It allowed for no argument. “Nicky… This isn’t something you can help with. Please. Just let me.”

Nicky was silent for a long time. “It’s the drugs again, isn’t it?” His voice was small and sad. Aaron wondered again why he was worth all of this - he didn’t feel like he was. There was a long, long moment of silence. “All right. If you can talk some sense into him, go ahead. He won’t listen to me.” Nicky sounded so damn sad, and Aaron just didn’t get why. He did listen to Nicky… All the time. Just because he didn’t always do what Nicky said didn’t mean he wasn’t listening.

“I think he does listen to you, Nicky,” Matt said. Aaron wondered how Matt knew that. “It’s just… Look, I know what craving that shit is like, okay? It’s so hard to get away from. I can’t promise I’ll get through to him, but I’ll try, okay?”

“Sure, Matt.” Nicky sounded defeated. “Do what you can.”

“Do me a favor. Don’t tell Andrew. Or any of the others.”

“Why?”

“No one else needs to know right now. If it gets any worse, then I’ll tell them myself. Until then, just...keep it to yourself, okay?” Matt was squeezing Nicky’s shoulder.

When Nicky left, Matt came back in. Aaron looked at him. “Why can’t Nicky tell Andrew? It’s not like he cares.”

Matt sighed and shook his head. “He cares, Aaron. He doesn’t show it like most people, but he cares.” He sat down, his shoulder pressing into Aaron’s. He just stared at Aaron for a long moment, then asked, “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you take them this time?” Matt clarified. “You were at least pretending to be okay… Sometimes pretending can lead to the real thing. Tricking yourself into being okay again. But why now? What happened?”

Aaron shrugged. “Do I need a fucking reason?”

“No,” Matt sighed. “Look, I’m not going to let you do this again. If I have to follow you around campus all day, I will. Most of your classes aren’t too far from mine. You can’t keep doing this.”

Aaron snorted. “Fuck you. I’m not going to let you fucking follow me around all the time. I’ll do what the fuck I want.”

“You almost overdosed!” Matt shouted. “You were barely breathing! Fuck, Aaron! Were you trying to kill yourself?”

Aaron froze. “No.” The word came out mumbled, his mouth not quite opening enough. He didn’t realize… He shivered. Yes, he was fucking miserable. But he didn’t really want to die. Did he?

But that begged the question - what did he have to live for anymore? His brother wouldn’t talk to him. He was a murderer. He’d ruined everything with Katelyn. He’d fucked his grades all to hell and back. Wymack was probably only two seconds from kicking him from the team. He was going to lose his scholarship. He was losing everything.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Matt said, throwing one arm around Aaron’s shoulders. “This shit with the trial will be over soon and you can put it behind you. You haven’t missed that much class, and Coach can bitch all he wants, but he’s not gonna kick you off the team. You know that. As long as you don’t keep it up with the pills, anyway. And you’ll work things out with Katelyn. Even if you don’t - it’ll be okay.”

Aaron still didn’t have the energy to shove Matt away. He just sagged into Matt’s side when Matt tugged him closer. He didn’t bother to move after that. They just sat there for a while, Matt saying the same things over and over, being so positive that it almost made Aaron want to puke again.

But then, Matt started talking about how it was when he was on drugs - back before Palmetto when he'd lived with his dad. He told Aaron about how his dad would encourage him to try whatever he wanted, how he wound up on heroin, how things had happened with some of his dad’s friends that he'd never wanted but he'd been unable to function well enough to stop. And then his mom stepped in and took him away from everything - but it wasn't quite enough.

“I know why Andrew took me to Eden’s Twilight that night. I know why he offered the speedballs. I still wanted it, and that was making you want it. Andrew did all of that for you. Did you know that?”

Aaron didn't. He'd guessed, but Andrew hadn't really spoken to him much even back then.

“You were so pathetic,” Aaron muttered. “Hiding in the girls’ room all the time.”

Matt laughed. “Yeah, I was. But then, I wasn't anymore. After going through all of that, I never wanted to touch any of that shit again.” His voice grew soft. “Watching you fall down that same hole hurts. Especially after what Andrew did to prevent it, and after what I had to go through. I don't want his efforts to go to waste, Aaron.”

“What I do has nothing to do with you,” Aaron grumbled. “I make my own fucking choices.”

“But those choices are hurting the ones that care about you - even if most of them don't know about them.”

Aaron didn't have anything to say to that. They sat for a little while longer, then Matt helped him stand and moved him to the couch. Aaron didn't budge from where Matt sat him, but then blankets were piled on top of him and a sports drink was forced into his hand and Matt put on some Disney movie.

Most of them. Matt had said most of the people who cared about him. He had to be talking about Nicky being the one who knew about this whole fucked up situation. It couldn't be Matt. Matt didn't know him. Matt couldn't care about him. Besides, he didn't care about Matt. He didn't care that taking the stupid pills hurt Matt or whatever. It didn't matter.

But guilt was gnawing away at his insides and making him feel sick again. Matt tried to get him to eat, but he couldn't. He just wanted to puke again. None of this was logical. He didn't feel bad about hurting Matt. He didn't even really like Matt.

But those stupid puppy-dog eyes made him force down the noodles. Those damn eyes made him sit there and watch another movie. Those fucking eyes… He fell asleep thinking about how hurt they looked.

Waking up in someone’s arms wasn't really that unusual. He'd woken up with Katelyn wrapped around him more times than he could count. But those weren't Katelyn’s arms. They were bigger. He jerked up and away, falling off the couch in his haste. Matt blinked at him a few times, then gave him a stupid, dopey smile like he didn't even know what was going on.

“Sorry,” Matt said through a yawn. He sat up and checked his phone. “Shit. I'm going to bed.” Aaron stared after him as he trudged to the bedroom and collapsed into his bottom bunk.

What the actual fuck?

He was too tired to deal with it right now. He'd kick Matt in the balls tomorrow and be done with it. He climbed into his own bunk and fell right back to sleep, somehow cold even though he knew he shouldn't be.

He dreamed about Matt. About how haunted he'd looked freshman year. About how he'd gone after the speedballs like they were his salvation that night at the club. About how he'd been so out of it they'd had to carry him to the car. About how everyone had freaked out when they brought him back. About Matt’s mother, and how she'd been there for Matt as he went through withdrawal. About how he'd come back and looked better than he ever had. About how he played so fiercely on court. About how he was always laughing and smiling. About how he'd wrapped his arms around Aaron and just held him as he cried.

He woke up uncomfortable and too warm. His shower helped, but he felt drained and lifeless again. Matt was true to his word, following him to his classes and meeting up with him as he was leaving them. He forced Aaron to eat at lunch, despite the odd looks that Nicky and Neil threw their way. He forced Aaron into going to practice and goaded him into actually putting some effort into playing their scrimmage. He drove them back to the dorm and bought them Thai food for dinner - making an offhand comment on how he knew Aaron really liked the curried chicken.

He didn't know how it happened, but they wound up closer together on the couch as they ate and played video games. Nicky was welcomed back into the dorm and he didn't try to pester Aaron about anything. He just played along with them and chattered happily with Matt about Erik.

And then, Nicky said, “I'm glad you guys are friends now.” And he said it with such a fucking happy expression that Aaron didn't even bother to tell him to fuck off. He just grunted his derision and killed him in the video game. Nicky squawked and Matt laughed and the moment was over.

The pattern continued. Matt stayed by his side any time it was possible for him to do so. Matt even sat in the seat directly in front of him for their first game of the season - an away game. He was the first one there to help Aaron back up after a particularly nasty check on the court. He was the first to grab Aaron into their victory circle when they won the game. He even walked back to the locker room with his arm thrown around Aaron’s shoulders.

He didn't understand it, but he also didn't question it. He'd never really had any close friends. Matt was… Matt was genuinely a good person, and Aaron had a hard time accepting that at first. But it happened, without him even realizing it. They were always together now, even when the others were around. If Neil came over to watch a movie with Matt, Aaron made himself comfortable in his same spot as always and just refused to speak to Neil.

He grew less antagonistic. He didn't even realize it was happening. It took another comment from Nicky to make it obvious. When he didn't throttle Nicky for it - or tell him to fuck off - Nicky beamed at him and laughed. He was happy, and Aaron… Aaron didn't really see why he should be, but he didn't question it.

Life was still just going through the motions. He didn't feel much. The last day of the trial was around the corner and he was so anxious he was sick. Matt was there though. Matt was always there now.

He told Matt when he wanted the pills and Matt took them out to a small bar near campus and bought Aaron as many drinks as he needed before he couldn't even stand up straight. The urge was still there, but he was too drunk to do anything about it. Matt had to carry him up to their dorm.

The day of the trial, Matt offered to go with him. Aaron didn't tell him no. Instead of riding with Andrew and Nicky, Matt drove the two of them in his truck. Matt sat behind him.

When the jury filed back into the room, he found himself gripping his thigh so hard he was sure to have bruises. He was sweating in his suit. He only had eyes for the judge as she announced the verdict. When she said the two words he wanted to hear most, he nearly collapsed. His lawyer gave him a smile, but he couldn't smile back.

Matt was the first one by his side when he walked away. He wrapped Aaron up in a huge hug and Aaron allowed it. He even hugged him back. He was in a haze for a while. It was over. He was free.

Matt held a party in their dorm for him. The entire team was there. Some of the cheerleaders were there - including Katelyn. Matt elbowed him toward her at one point.

Aaron broke up with her. For now, he told her. Just until his head was back together. She took it with grace, but she and the other cheerleaders left. Matt tossed him a concerned look, but Aaron ignored it and drank himself into oblivion.

Andrew and Neil used the roof as their little makeout point often enough that Aaron knew how to get out there. He was just sitting near the edge, watching the people on the ground. It was quiet up here - a good place for his head.

Everything had been too much for too long. He couldn't remember a time when it had taken this long for him to get out of his own head. He didn't know why. Couldn't understand any of it. The trial was finally over. He was free. That bastard was dead. So why? Why didn't he feel anything? He was numb again, but not in any sort of good way.

Matt was the one to find him later. Of course he was. It didn't even surprise or annoy Aaron this time. He just ignored Matt until a friendly arm was tossed over his shoulders. Even then, he barely reacted. He didn't have it in him to even be angry.

“What's wrong?” Matt asked. “I figured you'd be glad that this mess with the trial is over. And what happened with Katelyn earlier?”

“I broke up with her,” Aaron answered numbly. “For now. Until I get my head right again.”

Even without looking at him, Aaron knew Matt was frowning. “Well, that makes sense…” There was a long pause between them. “Still not feeling right then, huh?”

Aaron snorted. “That's an understatement. Even for you. Fuck. Even the most oblivious idiot on the team has noticed.” Aaron had caught Neil’s stares earlier in the night. It pissed him off to no end that he couldn't be as painfully blank as his twin - and then he felt sick for thinking that.

“Just stating the obvious, I guess,” Matt said with a shrug. He didn't even sound put-out by Aaron’s surly tone.

“Well thanks for the broadcast, Captain Obvious.” Aaron sneered. “I knew Dan didn't like you for your brains, but Christ. How the fuck are you so happy all the time? It doesn't make any fucking sense.”

Matt turned and grinned at him. “Because there's no point in being pissed off all the time. And I'm not always happy. That's Kevin’s crush, the literal Captain Sunshine. I get pissed and upset plenty. I mean, I was plenty pissed when all that shit went down with Neil and Andrew - and you. And this year, at that trial. That was brutal and horrible. Listening to that fucking bitch of a lawyer get up there and bad-mouth you and Andrew made me want to break her fucking teeth. I just couldn't do anything like that, so I figured I could try to make it easier on you instead.”

Aaron really didn't know what to say. Yeah, he knew Matt did sometimes get pissed off. “And when you want to punch Kevin for being a dick on the court,” Aaron muttered, just for Matt to laugh again. It was weird, realizing he'd rather hear Matt laughing than all serious or upset. He didn't understand it.

“I know you might not think of me as your friend, but I can still act like one.”

Aaron looked over at Matt. He couldn't comprehend what Matt had said for a moment. He was still very, very drunk. And then it hit him. He remembered back a few weeks, to when he'd snapped at Matt. He'd told him that they weren't friends. That might have been true then. Maybe it was still true now.

“I'm too drunk to deal with you right now,” Aaron sighed, shoving his hand at Matt’s face. Matt laughed that stupid, loud laugh again and his puppy-dog eyes weren't sad anymore. Aaron might have smiled, just a little.

“Aw,” Matt sang in a teasing voice. “Does that mean you're my friend now?”

“No, asshole,” Aaron grumbled, but he couldn't fight the smile. He couldn't remember the last time he'd smiled - the last time he'd felt so light. “Fuck you.”

Matt laughed again, his arm tugging Aaron a little closer. “Anytime, babe, anytime!”

Aaron made a fake gagging noise and shoved at Matt. “Gross, asshole.” They were both laughing too hard to stop. Aaron blamed the insane amount of alcohol he'd ingested.

He was having a decent night though. And that was the weird part. He felt...better. He wasn't great, wasn't really himself, but he wasn't empty either.

When the laughing died down he looked over at Matt for a moment. “Thanks, man.”

Matt gave him a bright grin, and Aaron hated how it did something to his insides to see it. “No problem! I'm glad I could help. Even if it was just a little bit, like providing the booze.” He chuckled and Aaron let himself smile a little. They both knew it was more than that.

“I am going to sleep forever,” Aaron sighed. He picked up the bottle he'd left on his free side and took a drink from it. After a second of hesitation, he offered it to Matt.

Matt accepted the bottle and took his own drink. “Hell no! We’re going out for brunch tomorrow.”

Aaron wrinkled his nose. “Ew. The thought of that now makes my future hangover so much worse.”

Matt laughed again and Aaron felt lighter and fuller than he had all night. This was...good. He was okay. For now. He was under no illusions. It wouldn't last, not once he was sober. But he could enjoy it for now. He could let himself smile a little more.

“Come on, it's tradition! We always go out for brunch after we drink like this!”

Aaron snorted. “You and the girls maybe,” he said. “Us monsters never did. Not unless you all bullied Neil into asking Andrew. Then he'd force all of us to go.”

Matt frowned. “You guys aren't monsters.”

Aaron laughed at that, but it wasn't a happy sound. The lightness was gone. He'd known it wouldn't last, but dammit, he'd hoped for just a little more time… “You just sat through the end of my murder trial. You know what Andrew has done. You've heard about some of what Neil has done. For fuck’s sake, Matt, we are monsters.”

“No, you aren't.” Matt’s look and tone allowed no room for argument. “You _aren't_. Andrew was defending you and Nicky. You were defending Andrew. Neil…” Matt sighed. “Neil is a special kind of fucked up, but he's my friend too, and he isn't a monster either.” Matt looked down at the bottle he was holding and took a drink from it. He offered it back to Aaron. “I...I sort of got in a fight with one of the football players a week back or so. He called you a monster, so I smashed his face in for him.”

Aaron spat out the mouthful of tequila he'd been about to swallow in a loud laugh. “What?” Matt shrugged sheepishly. “You're serious? Fucking really?”

“Yeah. You're my friend. I told you that. I defend my friends.”

Something in Aaron twisted uncomfortably. “Don't bother.” He took a drink this time and managed to swallow it. “It's not worth it.” He very carefully did not say that _he_ was not worth it.

“It is.” Matt took the bottle and took another sip, then made a face. “Yeah, I'm really drunk.” He gave it back. “Look, I'm not going to stand there and listen to someone talk shit about you like that. It's not who I am.”

“Whatever.” Aaron rolled his eyes. Matt laughed. “What?”

“It's funny when you roll your eyes like that,” Matt said. He nudged Aaron with the arm around his shoulders.

“Fuck you.”

“Oh baby, oh baby,” Matt said through his laughter. Aaron didn't even pretend to gag, just laughed and elbowed Matt in his side. Matt almost squeaked. He jerked his arm away from Aaron’s shoulders and grabbed his sides, panting. “Don't do that!”

Aaron’s face broke out in a wicked grin. “Ticklish, Boyd?” Matt nodded. Before Aaron even thought about it, he was jabbing his fingers into Matt’s sides. He was laughing hysterically as Matt was squirming and squealing, but otherwise doing virtually nothing to get away. Aaron stopped when Matt grabbed his hands.

They were...close. Almost uncomfortably so. There was a part of Aaron’s mind that knew that he would never get this close to Matt if he was sober. But right now he was very, very drunk. Right now, he didn't care. Matt was still panting from where he'd been laughing so hard. Aaron could feel his breath on his cheek.

And then - Matt poked him back. Aaron flinched hard. He'd never really been ticklish, but then again, he'd never really been tickled. He was surprised to find that Matt grabbing at his ribs now made him squirm and laugh. His hands shot out as he shoved at Matt’s shoulders. He was laughing too hard to form words for the moment.

He slipped from where he'd been on his knees earlier to reach Matt, winding up on his back. The fall winded him slightly. When he caught his breath, he gasped out, “Stop!”

And then Matt was gone.

Aaron fumbled his way into sitting up, still a bit breathless from laughing so much earlier. He sucked in a harsh breath at the sight that greeted him: Matt, on his back on the roof, hand to his face; Andrew, above Matt, fist drawn back and already smeared with a hint of blood; Neil, standing by the doorway, impassive as always.

Aaron climbed to his feet. “What the fuck are you doing?” He wondered why he sounded hoarse, why his throat felt raw. He hadn't been laughing that much - or that loud.

“What the fuck was going on?” Andrew asked, just a bare hint of aggression to his usual flat and bored tone.

“I was just tickling him, Andrew,” Matt said.

Andrew raised one pale blond eyebrow. (Yet another talent Andrew had that Aaron did not. Why did no one else see these differences?) “Tickling?”

Aaron made a frustrated sound. “God. Yes. Fucking asshole. I elbowed him in the side and he squealed like a girl so I tickled him and then he got me back. Jesus Christ, Andrew.” He wanted to be embarrassed about the whole thing, but he was too angry.

“What the fuck was I supposed to think?” Andrew countered.

“I don’t know,” Aaron spat, “maybe that our teammates are sick fucks like every other person you’ve dealt with in your life?”

“Enough!” Matt’s shout came between Aaron and Andrew as they were facing off against each other. “Stop it, both of you. I’m okay. No big deal.” He physically put himself between them, one hand on Aaron’s shoulder but not daring to touch Andrew.

“Fucking Christ,” Aaron muttered, getting a look at the side of Matt’s face. He was bleeding where the skin under his eye split from the force of Andrew’s punch. He knew it could have been worse, but he wasn’t going to be grateful that Andrew had stopped after just one. One alone was bad enough. “Come on, Matt. You’re fucking bleeding.” He tugged at Matt’s sleeve and headed for the door. Neil moved out of the way, his face with some kind of confusing emotion playing across it.

Aaron didn’t wait for Matt after going inside, even though he was aware that Matt stopped at the doorway. He headed for their dorm and was glad to see it was empty. The second door down and across the hall from his and Matt’s and Nicky’s room was open and he could hear music coming from inside. He guessed the party had been moved in there after he and Matt left. It was for the better.

He opened the freezer for the bag of frozen peas Kevin had left in there weeks ago. He hated peas, and even though Kevin knew that, he insisted on Aaron taking them anyway. He’d done so just to get Kevin to leave him alone. He tossed them on the counter before going for one of the bottles of alcohol still left in the suite.

Matt came in just as Aaron was taking a long drink. He tugged the bottle away and sat it on the counter. “Think you’ve probably had enough. I really don’t feel like taking you to the E.R. for alcohol poisoning.”

Aaron snorted. “That would be Kevin, about two hours ago.” Matt didn’t think it was funny. Aaron scowled at him, but grabbed the peas and shoved them at Matt’s chest. “Put this on your face.”

Matt tipped his head to the side as he considered the bag. “Why?”

“Helps with the swelling, idiot.” Aaron rolled his eyes. “Jesus. You’re supposed to be a boxer, right? Don’t you deal with bruises all the time?”

“Well...yeah, but…” Matt shrugged. “If they were bad enough, I just grabbed an ice pack.”

“This is the poor version,” Aaron said. “Just put the damn bag on your face.” He tossed a towel at Matt’s chest. “That’s for the blood. It’s starting to drip on your shirt.”

Matt smiled a little and pressed the towel to his face. Once he’d mopped up some of the blood, he wrapped the towel around the bag of peas and pressed the whole thing to the side of his face. “Fuck…”

“My brother’s a fucking asshole.”

“He was worried about you,” Matt mumbled.

Aaron snorted. “Because of you? Give me a break, Boyd. You might be a fucking giant, but you’re like…” He waved his hand in the air a little, “Like a teddy bear or something. Harmless.”

Matt chuckled. “Sure, sure. If you say so, Aaron.”

He narrowed his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Matt pressed his lips closed over his smile and shook his head. Aaron followed him over to the couch, where they both flopped more than sat. “Asshole.” Matt chuckled again and Aaron thumped him on the shoulder with the back of his hand.

Matt grabbed the remote and turned on the television, then hit play on the movie that was still in the DVD player. They relaxed into the couch for a while, until Aaron got up to get them both water. When he returned, he peeled the bag of peas away from Matt’s face and grimaced. There was already a purple mark and a fair amount of swelling around the place where his skin split.

“My brother is a fucking asshole,” Aaron muttered. He replaced the peas, gently, and sat down again. “I won't apologize for him, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about what he did.”

“It's all right,” Matt said.

“God, you sound like fucking Neil and his ‘I'm fine’ bullshit. I know that shit has to hurt.”

Matt shrugged. “Too drunk to really feel it. I'm sure tomorrow will be worse.” Aaron snorted and Matt smiled. Aaron tried to ignore the way his stomach tightened. “Fuck I'm tired.” And he flopped to his side, right on top of Aaron.

“The fuck are you doing?” Aaron shoved at Matt’s shoulders, but he just rolled a bit before settling back into place, all while laughing. “Get off me, fat ass!”

“No need to call me names just ‘cause I'm bigger than you,” Matt said. He laughed when Aaron shoved at him much more in earnest this time around. He still didn't go anywhere.

“You're such a pain!” Aaron snapped, giving up and crossing his arms over his chest. Matt laughed again. “And stop fucking laughing. You sound like a fucking ape.”

“Grumpy, grumpy,” Matt teased. He poked at the side of Aaron’s face. “Lighten up some, would ya?”

“Hard to do when I've got two tons of moron in my lap.”

There was silence for a moment, then Matt gaped at him. “Did you just make a joke? Holy shit!” And he started laughing so much that Aaron joined in.

They settled around each other, and Aaron was more than a little surprised at how easy it was - and how not-weird it felt. At some point during the movie, the lack of a steady supply of alcohol and stimulating conversation had him falling asleep against the back of the couch. Matt was warm, and not nearly as heavy as Aaron had complained about earlier.

He woke up a little when he felt himself moving, but the moment he was still again, now fully horizontal and even warmer than before, he went right back to sleep. His dreams weren't horrible or just blank, but he wouldn't remember when he woke up, though he would know they weren't awful.

The next morning - well, it was nearly afternoon - he woke up slowly. It gave him time to process things first. He knew he was hungover. He could feel it in the way his head was pounding and the nausea roiling around in his stomach, but it wasn't the worst hangover he'd ever hand. It wasn't even particularly awful - nothing a couple of Tylenol and a decent breakfast and several glasses of water couldn't cure. The second thing he knew was that he was warm. Not uncomfortably warm, but almost.

The third realization was that he was wrapped up in a pair of arms - and he knew whose arms they were. The fourth, and perhaps most startling realization, was that he didn't really mind. He blamed it on all of the alcohol surely still in his system. That had to be it. It was the only explanation that made any sense.

Still, he only moved because he had to piss. He opened his eyes to the back of the couch. He was sort of squished into it, with Matt acting like a barrier to the rest of the world. He pushed Matt’s arm away as gently as he could and stood, climbing over the back of the couch. He didn't look to see if Matt woke up or not. That wasn't a conversation he was ready to entertain.

He'd just broken up with Katelyn. Sure, he hadn't seen her in a few weeks and he'd barely spoken to her in even longer. Matt was still with Dan. And besides, he wasn't sure he even liked Matt - as a friend or anything more. He was comfortable around him, which said a lot for anyone at all, but still…

What was he doing? He shook his head to himself and went to the bedroom, planning to find clothes and take a shower. He would feel better after, he knew. It might not help much, but it would help. If nothing else, he'd no longer stink of tequila.

Nicky was awake in their room, and already winking at Aaron as he came in. “I see you've been persuaded to swing my direction for a change,” Nicky said with a little laugh. Aaron rolled his eyes but said nothing. It was too early, he wasn't awake enough to deal with his cousin, and he really had nothing to say anyway.

Nicky was the only one that knew he wasn't nearly as homophobic as he tried to pretend to be. He couldn't _be_ homophobic. Both his twin and his cousin were gay. If he were homophobic, he'd never spend time with them and certainly wouldn't have shared a room with them. Nicky was privy to more of his secrets than he was comfortable with, but Nicky really could keep secrets- to his own surprise.

“Always knew Matt was a little bi,” Nicky said conversationally, shrugging a bit as he gazed at his laptop. “I'm all for you playing for the home team for once, but you really think you should go after a guy with a girlfriend?”

“Nicky,” Aaron sighed, “shut the fuck up. You're disgusting. It's not fucking like that and you damn well know it. Just leave me alone.” He slammed the door behind him as he left for the bathroom, not caring if he woke Matt and forgetting that Matt might have still been asleep in the first place.

Matt was not asleep. He was in the kitchenette, relaxing against the counter with a bottle of water in hand. Out of respect for each other, they didn't often walk around the dorm unless they were fully clothed. Matt, however, was clad in nothing more than a pair of gym shorts, slung low on his hips. Aaron forced himself not to pause and to look pointedly away.

“Everything okay?” Matt asked. Aaron just grunted. Matt chuckled a little. “I've got coffee going. We’ll go out for lunch after I grab a shower too. Want me to invite Nicky along?”

“No.” Aaron slammed the bathroom door as well. He turned the water as hot as it would go and tried to burn the sight of Matt out of his mind. He never really looked anywhere but at his locker when they were all changing out for practice or games, and the shower stalls all had doors on them, so he'd never really seen so much of Matt all at once and in full view. He wasn't exactly glad he had.

He showered quickly and changed, brushed his teeth and scrubbed the towel through his hair before brushing it. He needed to get a haircut, but it could wait a little longer. He didn't really have the capacity to worry about it for now. He passed the still nearly-naked Matt on his way out of the bathroom and headed straight for the coffee and Tylenol, avoiding a wink from Nicky as he went.

* * *

 

Things after that settled back into something more normal. Aaron was still just going through the motions for the most part. He just didn't care about too much. Matt was still there, but he didn't hover as much and stopped following him to all of his classes. They still spent many of their nights together playing video games or watching movies.

Over Halloween, Matt went to spend the weekend with Dan and Aaron went to Eden’s Twilight with Nicky, Kevin, Andrew, and Neil. He drank himself stupid and wound up making out with some guy who wasn't really in a costume but claimed to be Fry from _Futurama_. When Nicky came looking for him when it was time for them to leave, he shoved the guy away and walked off without another word, making a point to ignore the guy until he got the hint.

Matt came back a little less himself, though he insisted that nothing was wrong. As Thanksgiving neared, he opted to stay on campus rather than go home. Aaron didn't question him. They would all go to Abby’s again. Matt could tag along, he supposed. Wymack wasn't likely to let him mope in the dorm on his own.

He and Matt didn't talk much. It wasn't really what they did. They just sat and played video games or watched movies and got drunk together. It was simple and relaxing and Aaron didn't have to think too much about what was going on. If sometimes they fell asleep on the couch and he woke up in the middle of the night wrapped in Matt’s arms, well...he didn't question it. He usually just got up and moved to his own bed after tossing a blanket over Matt.

When Thanksgiving weekend rolled around, Abby’s house turned out to be full of freshmen. Wymack said the others could go to Columbia if they wanted or stay in the dorms, since they'd be left open. (The football team had an away game over the weekend and they'd all be staying, so the athletic dorm couldn't close.) Aaron was going with Nicky, Kevin, Andrew, and Neil to Columbia - he always went with them, even now. Matt was staying in the dorm. Aaron didn't question his decision.

Neil, though. Neil came over to the dorm Wednesday morning. Matt answered the door. Aaron was still on the couch, mostly asleep. It was another odd night where they'd fallen asleep together. Nicky didn't bother to tease them anymore, it was happening so often.

“Hey, Neil,” Matt said, and Aaron noted how he sounded less cheerful than usual when talking to Neil. Usually, Matt could rival Captain Sunshine himself when talking to Neil. Not this morning. Aaron wondered why, but he knew he wouldn't ask.

“Do you want to come with us to Columbia?” Neil asked, straight to the point. Aaron sat up and looked straight at Neil. Neil was looking back at him. “Andrew doesn't care, but you’ll have to drive your truck.”

“Uh -”

“There isn't enough room at the house,” Aaron said.

Neil frowned. “Matt shouldn't have to stay here by himself. We can make room.”

Nicky poked his head out of the bedroom. “Matt’s coming? Sweet! Don't worry! He can sleep with me!” Nicky winked and Matt sort of grimaced.

“Cut that shit out, Nicky,” Aaron snapped, throwing the remote at Nicky’s head. Nicky ducked out of the way with a squawk. He looked back at Neil. “What did you do to get Andrew to agree?”

Neil shrugged. “I asked.”

Aaron rolled his eyes but didn't argue with that. It was always the same with Neil. He just had to ask. Aaron had to sign his fucking life away and that ended up with Andrew murdering his mother. He’d never, ever understand how Andrew and Neil worked. He didn't care to. “When are we leaving?”

“Andrew said he wants to get there before five, so we can drop the stuff at the house and get to the grocery store.” Neil looked to Matt. “Will you come with us?”

Matt nodded. Aaron couldn't see his face, but his shoulders were slumped. “Thanks.” The word sounded hollow and flat. Neil nodded and walked away. Matt closed the door.

“Awesome!” Nicky said from the bedroom, relaxing against the door jamb. “This will be a fun weekend. Ready for Eden’s, Matt?”

Matt blanched a little as he turned, but forced a smile and a little laugh. “Sure. Halloween last year was pretty great.” Aaron knew that wasn't what Matt was thinking of, though. He wondered just how close Matt was to the metaphorical edge he'd been trying to keep Aaron from slipping off of for so long.

They spent most of the day moving around each other in silence. Matt was definitely not acting like himself, but Aaron didn't know how to ask and when Nicky asked, Matt just avoided the question. They packed their things and tossed them in the back of Matt’s truck. Nicky was going to ride with Andrew and the others, but Aaron elected to ride with Matt. He wasn't going to cram himself between Nicky and Kevin in the back of the Maserati if he didn't have to.

After they set off, Aaron waited until they hit the interstate before speaking. “The fuck is wrong with you?” Matt glanced at him. “You've been moping around since Halloween.”

Matt gave him a small smile, and Aaron felt his insides twist - and not in a good way. “Dan...thinks we need to take a break. Just until I graduate. She says I need to focus on finishing up here and she has to focus on coaching. Not enough time for us to see each other.”

Aaron was silent for a long moment. “That fucking sucks.”

Matt huffed a little laugh. “Yeah, but she's right. I mean…she isn't wrong, anyway. We do need to focus, and there really isn't enough time between our schedules.”

Aaron shrugged, but he didn't know what to say. They rode in silence for a while before he finally said, “Well, get shitfaced. Maybe you’ll feel better.”

“Thanks,” Matt muttered. “I will, I'm sure. I'll just try to keep up with Kevin.”

Aaron groaned. “Don't, man, you'll die. I don't know how he’s still alive.”

Matt laughed a little and Aaron felt a little lightness in his chest, and he tried hard to ignore it. He reached over and turned on the radio, fiddled with the stations until he found one he approved of, and they rode the rest of the way without speaking.

Matt’s things were left in the living room until they could decide where he’d sleep. They went to the grocery store and loaded up on mostly junk and booze, but they did get a frozen lasagna to eat on Thanksgiving day and called it good enough (ignoring Kevin’s loud complaining). After that, they went to Sweeties for dinner and headed off to Eden’s Twilight earlier in the night than they'd been in a long while.

It still took both vehicles to get there, but Neil didn't drink and he offered to drive Matt’s truck back for him. So Matt did what he’d threatened and went shot for shot with Kevin for a while, and Aaron did the same. Even Nicky kept up for a while. They all needed to let loose. Nicky managed to convince Kevin and Matt to go to the dance floor and Aaron refused to sit at the table while Andrew and Neil made eyes at each other all night, so he joined them.

Things after that point became a bit of a blur. He found himself dancing with various people. A blonde girl at one point, but she reminded him too much of Katelyn, so he found a brunette, but she was falling over herself (and him) she was so drunk. Finally, he wound up in a far corner with Matt and somehow they were dancing too.

After they'd gone back to the table for their second round and vanished into the crowd again, Matt stuck by his side. Aaron didn't mind all that much. The dickheads that usually tried walking all over him stayed clear of him and Nicky was off with Kevin somewhere so he didn't have too many cares. He was drunk and pleasantly oblivious for a while.

Until Matt leaned down and said, “It's really fucking hot in here. Can we go outside for a minute?”

Aaron nodded and went with him, but he didn't know why. He should have told Matt to go by himself, that he was a grown ass man, he could figure it out. But Matt was just as drunk as he was and something in him just made him follow Matt outside. He even grabbed onto the hem of Matt’s black shirt (Andrew had insisted that Matt follow their dress code for the night) when it became harder to follow him through the press of the crowd.

Aaron managed to squeeze his way around to the front of Matt and, unthinking, grabbed his hand. He led Matt to the back where the deliveries were brought in. For whatever reason, he didn't let go of Matt’s hand even after they were away from the crowds. He pushed open the back door and grabbed the same scrap of cardboard box that had always been there to prop it open. Only then did he let go of Matt’s hand, easing the door closed over the cardboard to keep it from latching.

“Thanks,” Matt sighed. He found a piece of the wall and relaxed against it, tipping his head back.

“Sure.” Aaron took up the wall across from him. The alley was narrow, just barely wide enough for the back of a truck to fit in. There were gouges in the brick from where several trucks had scraped against it trying to back in.

Matt was wearing a tight black tee shirt that was ripped in several places and had mesh underneath the rips. It was similar to one Neil owned, but Matt’s looked rougher and flattered him far more. Aaron didn't bother to try to push down the thoughts he usually fought to ignore. He was too drunk to care. The jeans he wore were black too, and fell low on Matt’s hips, held up with a fraying black canvas belt. Aaron forced himself to look away. He ran his fingers along one of the scrapes in the wall beside him instead.

“Fuck, it was hot in there,” Matt groaned.

Aaron grunted. Yeah, it was. Then again, it always was. The press of bodies and the dancing and the booze always made it warm in the club. He shoved his own long sleeves up his arms, enjoying the prickle of cold air on his skin.

“I want a cigarette.”

Aaron looked over at Matt. “I didn't know you smoked.”

“Not anymore,” Matt shrugged. “Dan made me quit.” He gave a hollow laugh. “Guess that doesn't matter now.”

Aaron sneered. “So, what is it? Shit with me and Katelyn can still work out but you and Dan are doomed?”

Matt frowned. “I...didn't say that.”

“Might as well have,” Aaron said, crossing his arms over his chest. “You're fucking pathetic. Always ready to tell everyone else positive bullshit but you won't take your own advice.”

Matt was very still for a long moment as Aaron stared him down. Neither of them said anything. Aaron felt the cold more acutely, but he didn't move to go back inside. Matt finally lowered his head.

“You're right.”

Aaron snorted.

“I am pathetic.”

That...wasn't quite the point Aaron wanted to make. He felt his insides twist. Guilt was a slimy thing in his stomach and it did not pair well with the alcohol already there.

“Loser,” Aaron muttered. “That wasn't what I meant. Think back to all that positive bullshit you were spouting to me and tell it to yourself instead.” He really didn't know how to comfort someone.

Matt looked up at him from under his eyebrows. “What's the point? You just said it was all bullshit.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “God you don't make this easy, do you?” He huffed. “Look, Dan probably is just overwhelmed with her new job or some shit and just needs a minute. She’ll call you and apologize or whatever and the two of you will be fine. Whatever. Even if she doesn't, it isn't the end of the fucking world.”

Matt lifted his head and gave Aaron a considering look. Then he grinned. “You're terrible at that.”

Aaron snorted. “Glad you fucking noticed.” He stepped away from the wall and tapped Matt’s shoulder with the back of his hand. “Now go back to being the sappy puppy dog you usually are.”

Matt snickered. “What was it you called me that other time? A teddy bear?” He threw a light punch at Aaron’s shoulder. “What’s with you and the animal analogies?”

“Surprised you know a big word like that, dumb jock,” Aaron mocked.

Matt put on a hurt expression. “Aw, how mean.” He couldn't keep it up though, and he laughed. “You're a jock too, in case you hadn't noticed.”

“Not a dumb one, though.” Aaron turned for the door. “Now let's go back inside. It's fucking cold.”

“Wait.”

Aaron stopped. When Matt didn't continue, he turned around to look at him. “What?” Matt almost looked constipated. “Stop thinking so hard. You’ll give yourself an aneurysm.”

Matt shook his head and smirked a little. Then he was bending down and one of his hands was on Aaron's shoulders and then… Then somehow they were kissing. Aaron's arms were around Matt’s neck and he didn't remember putting them there. Matt’s tongue was in his mouth and he didn't remember how that happened either. His hand was in Matt’s hair and he was yanking Matt’s head back and biting at his neck and Matt made this sound and -

Aaron jerked away from him, panting. Matt looked down at him, confused. “I...I can't do this.” Aaron turned away and wrenched the door open. The cardboard fell. It didn't slam closed, so he guessed Matt grabbed it. He didn't quite make it to the employees only door before Matt stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“I'm sorry,” Matt whispered.

“Don't be,” Aaron muttered to the darkness. It was easier if he didn't have to look at Matt.

Matt’s hand fell away. “What?”

Aaron shook his head. “I just can't, okay? Last time…” He sighed at the memory. “Last time didn't work out so well.”

“Aaron -”

Aaron jerked around and shoved both hands at Matt’s chest, knocking him back a half-step. “Shut up! Last time I got caught making out with a guy it went around my entire school and it was one of the worst times of my life, okay?” He'd been alienated from everyone - and he'd never really gotten over it, had he?

Matt grabbed his hand. “All right. I'm sorry. I… should have asked first anyway I guess.” He took a step closer to Aaron. “If you don't want to, I get it. Just… one more, please?”

In the dark, it was easy to nod. Drunk, it was easy to take that step closer to Matt and kiss him.


End file.
